Pregnancy is hard.

I have been so very blessed during this pregnancy.
I really shouldn't complain.
There are people that have to endure so much worse.
A few check ups ago, my doctor asked if I had any complaints. I said no, just like I told the nurse who checked me in. Just like I do every visit because every symptom I have is a normal part of pregnancy. So why complain.
He sat down (which he never does) and said, "I don't believe that you have gone 32 weeks and can't think of one complaint. Come on girl...give me something.".
{Open Flood Gates}
Well, I can't sleep and my back and hips hurt sometimes.
The easiest tasks are exhausting.
I get out of breath so fast.
I think all of my weight gain is in my boobs...they are so heavy.
{and bring on the tears}
I worry constantly about my baby.
Is she kicking enough?
Will she be healthy?
What if something happens to her?
He laughed and assured me that that is exactly how I should be feeling.
He told me that he wants to know those things and that I don't have to wait for something major to be wrong to complain.
He told me that pregnancy was hard...even a healthy pregnancy like mine comes with heartaches and complaints.
He is right. Just because I have come this far and are complication free doesn't mean I have to suppress my feelings. This has been amazing but it has been and is really hard. I keep telling myself that I shouldn't complain because it is so much harder for other women. And this is what I wanted...so I should only be grateful. Well...I can be grateful and whiny all at the same time.
Lesson for today: Don't compare your life to anyone eles'. Just feel what you feel.


**UPDATE**

This was written a couple of weeks ago and I never published it. No idea why...I just hit "save" and moved on.  Anyway, I do have a complication now. Gestational Diabetes. I know it isn't the end of the world and I am lucky that I only have a few weeks left but its still hard.  I have a strict diet to follow and must check my blood sugar 4 times a day. That isn't the hard part. The hard part is that it was out of my control. I thought I was doing everything I could to keep my baby safe {eating healthy and lots of exercise...way more than before I was pregnant}.  I know that she will be fine and so will I...it was just a hard pill to swallow.  That is all on the subject for now...will report back when this all settles in.

In need of a pause button...

*Before I get into this post I want to thank all who commented on my last post! I am feeling clearer on some things but I think I'm settling down a little. I'm trying to worrying less about the "when the baby comes" and trying to just enjoy pregnancy which brings me to today's topic...

I am almost 30 weeks pregnant...and I can't believe it. 

No. Really. It's just crazy. 

Life since the move feels like a blur. A beautiful, incredible and wonderful blur but, a blur nonetheless. 

I just can't process the amount of time that has gone by. 

I just wish I could press pause and stop time for a little while.

There is so much that I love about this pregnancy and this time in my life but it is just flying by and that makes me kinda sad.

My goal for the next 10 weeks is to slow down (since there is no pause button...darn it.).  I have been so obsessed with what life after baby will be like and I need to shut that down for a while. 

I really love being pregnant. Even with all the unpleasant side effects (ps..there are so many and some that no one ever mentions…just saying) I am happy to be carrying this little person. I love feeling her kick and squirm and get hiccups. It is amazing. 

I still need to prepare for little miss's arrival but I need to reflect a little and take some time to just be pregnant!

Until next time...

Get back up.

Back in February I wrote this.

I had gotten so down. I let what I didn't have put me down.

I wrote this a few weeks later.

The idea of prayer and gratitude being a pathway to healing pulled be back up.

Letting my Savior in, focusing on my blessings and trusting that there is a plan, brought me up.

I came quite a distance. Not alone, mind you.

Those last months in Boston would have been wasted while I pouted.

Precious moments lost.

Thank goodness that didn't happen.

Instead I have wonderful memories of time spent with friends and great trips with Will.

The moral of this story:

There are moments that are sad. Some even tragic.

Some things bring us down and maybe we should be down sometimes.

We weren't meant to stay there.

We were meant to get back up.

Pray Myself Better

Last night I woke up after being out cold for a couple of hours.  When I couldn't get right back to sleep I started thinking of all the that I wanted and didn't have.  The list isn't long at all but the want goes pretty deep. Anyway, I was swimming in self-pity when something snapped. I crawled out of bed and got down on my knees and started praying.  It was more like an outpouring of gratitude.  No complaining. No "woe is me". Just "thank you".
I really am blessed.  I have so much to be thankful for.  By focusing on the things that aren't perfect I am becoming someone that I don't want to be. Some bitter, unhappy person. So if I start feeling those bitter feelings I am going to force myself to think of my blessings. To pray myself better.  Let my Heavenly Father help me.  Today is already better. Sometimes we just need a little help.

On getting what I want

{via}

Loving Me

See this girl...

She seems nice. Probably fun. She isn't striking but she certainly isn't unfortunate looking.

Last week this girl hated herself. Like a lot. She directed her focus to all things negative.

Then someone made her remember how loved she is.

She has beautiful friends.

She has a devoted family.

She has a loving husband.

She makes mistakes and she isn't perfect. (News Flash: No One Is)

I think she just forgets that she is pretty special. She forgets about all of her blessings.

This week she promises to focus on all things positive. To love herself more.

She wants you to do the same.

You are beautiful.

You are loved.

You matter.

Love yourself.

Yes, Jesus loves me...

{via}

Wow.

Remember how pathetic I being earlier today?

Well, I have this sweet sweet cousin that doesn't read this little blog of mine and she is 2000 miles away. She had no idea about the pity party I was throwing myself this weekend.

She sent me a Facebook message today.

It was simple..."Hey, Kimmie! (Yes. My family calls me that. ) I have been thinking about you and wanted to make sure you were doing ok.

That was it. I. Spilled. My. Guts. Totally poured my heart out to her. Told her that I thought I was pregnant...or hoped, I think that I knew that I wasn't. Anyway, I told her how hurt I was to get the negative tests. How I am tired of being let down. So on and so on...

She wrote back and said the following...

oh girl, now I really know why I have been thinking about you!!! We have been trying for 7 years and 2 rounds of fertility and I haven't been pregnant once! We are actually getting everything together to try treatments again. It is a big deal and it's a hard pill to swallow when you find out your not, no matter if its the natural way or treatments. If you ever need to talk let me know, I understand totally. I wish you all the luck and love in the world, I know yall will be great parents. Hang in there and email, call or whatever if you need anything!

Love you!!

Really? Seriously, Kim? Did you really complain about not being pregnant to the ONLY member of your family that has been trying to have a baby and has been unsuccessful for SEVEN YEARS! Good job, Kim. Good. Job.

But how sweet was she?? How encouraging and understanding...

What she should have said....

Dear Little Brat,

You don't know disappointment yet. Wait 5 years and then we can talk.

But she didn't. She was there for me. I needed that.

She and I don't talk as much as we should. She said that she felt like she "had" to check on me. Heavenly Father loves us. Sometimes we need to be reminded of this. He often shows his love through the love of others.

Jenny made me feel loved. She also reminded me that things aren't that bad for me.

Say a pray for Jenny.

She totally turned my night around. I had been sulking all night long. I didn't go with my friends downtown for the Boston Pops and Fireworks...how lame am I??

Well, we live inside and old rock quarry (sounds strange but its very pretty). Anyway, there is a perfect view of the city from the top of the quarry. I thought of this and jumped in the car...after a few wrong turns I found the road that took me to the top. Just in time.

I could totally see the Fireworks and here the music. It was perfect. I sat alone. I watched, I thought, cried and smiled.

Here I was thinking I had missed all the fun...that I hadn't got to "celebrate". That I missed Fourth of July.

Well, folks. I didn't miss a thing. In fact, I am fairly certain that I had the best seat in the house.

Happy Independence Day!

Its not funny any more.

Yeah.  I am not really know for my ability to "have it together".  I actually am know for my gift of lateness, forgetfulness and classic procrastination.

I have decided that I am far to old for this.

It is time that I stop joking about it and be embarrassed about it...because I should be!
I mean, REALLY??  I had to bring my printer and laptop to and event because I KNEW that I would forget to print something.  That is just sad. I actually plan on screwing things up!

Well, those days are over! I hope...

I have come up with a system (sorta).

I calling it "Take 5"!

Sometimes I wake up dreading my day.  I think of all the things that I need to do.  Then I get a little sad because there are things that I want to do and I know I won't have time.  This makes me resent the things that I have to do.  See the vicious cycle forming....

There had to be a way to fix this.

I realized that I just need to me more organized.  That I needed to make lists and prioritize those lists and then manage my time.  Sounds simple enough...right?

I have started making lists.  We have this board from IKEA that is awesome!!

Its called a notice board. WE LOVE IT!  This is where I make my lists, where we write the things that we run out of, the weekly menu (basically its a list of everything that I can cook so that we are staring blankly at the fridge wondering what to eat) and... You get the idea right? Good.  The lists also ensure that important things don't get forgotten.  I am also getting in the habit of making sure that important dates make in to the calendar on my phone!

Now that I have my list of things to do I make time for them.  This is where the "Take 5" comes in!! 

 In the morning I do 5 things.  This is general "Pick - Up" things. Start a load of clothes, unload the dishwasher, wipe down the bathroom counter...that sorta thing.  I have been getting up a little earlier everyday to sort of train myself and timing myself during the "get ready" process.  I won't time myself forever. I am doing it now so that I can be more aware of how much time each thing takes me.  Like I know that I can to my make up in 5 minutes...but if I don't watch the time could take me 10.  I have NO concept of time.  I can easily waste 15 minutes on absolutely nothing. I am hoping that by being more aware of the time that I will get in to a routine and I will be able to get ready in the same amount of time everyday!

During lunch I do 5 more things.  These things are more "do while watching TV" type things. I am home for lunch so I usually watch something from the DVR so during that time I can fold clothes or something mindless.   Of these 5 things I do 2 things that I want to do.  Not a chore...something I enjoy. Editing photos, reading or writing, blogging...this keeps lunch enjoyable but I still get something done.

In the evening, I do 2 "have tos" and 3 "want tos"!  This is the best!  Since I did some little things earlier in the day the house doesn't need much and I get to relax with Will and enjoy my evening!! This also leaves the weekends free from the restraints that household chores put on us!

Just to give you an idea of how things are going...

I started Saturday with the board full of things to do.

It is now Thursday and my list is gone and the house is very clean and organized...for the most part. I got up at 5:30 this morning and STAYED up after Will left (in the past if I get up I just go back to sleep).  It really wasn't that big of a deal.  I got to do a lot and it was kinda relaxing! The best part is I don't feel over worked...I feel accomplished.  I even had time to work on me.  I exercised and BLOGGED!  I even got to leave some comment love! 

I am sure that there is someone out there that will read this and think...really?  She needs to do all this to stay organized and she doesn't even have kids??  Yes.  Yes I do.  I hope that some of this will just become habit. That I won't have to be so strict on myself. 

Maybe someone will read this and think...no way!  Me too!!

Sorry this was a bit lengthy.  I do usually do long posts.  If you are still here...thank you!

Letting go...

of stress.

of worry.

of insecurities.

of doubt.

of fear.

of all the things that I can’t control.

of things that hurt me.

Holding tight…

to faith.

to my loved ones.

to the things that bring me joy.

to things that I can change.

to the knowledge that I have.

to things that give me strength.

I know…

that I am flawed.

that some of those flaws are ok.

that if I work hard I change the ones that are not ok.

that my Redeemer lives.

that I am a daughter of God.

This is what I learned from my soul searching. I have been struggling a little and now I know why. I needed to refocus, re-organize and prioritize.

So, I'm working on it.

Discussion....

My last post raised an interesting point I think we should discuss.  I want to say that discussion in the blog is always encouraged.  I love to hear different points of view...maybe I will agree, maybe I won't.  I will always respect your views and you opinions and ask that you respect mine.  OK My good friend/cousin Holli left this comment on Monday's post....

Oh, definitely needed to hear this one. I'll admit to being one really screwy, really rebellious teen. I won't ever forget that part of my past because of the beauty that grew out of those cracks in my enamel. I'm STILL not perfect. But, here's my question for the panel... Is it EVER okay to judge? Not in a "you're going to hell, ha ha" kinda way but in a "I don't want you to be a part of my life because you don't make healthy choices" kinda way ???? Ah, I don't know... Tough call.

By the way, Kim, is one of your "little" mistakes a reference to inspiring me drink that nail polish remover when I was prob. 3? Because I've totally forgiven you for that! :) Lol, JK. But, do you remember that? The thought made me laugh!

March 1, 2010 7:56 PM

We can talk about that last paragraph another time...Thank you for your forgiveness Holli!  I do think about that time...often, actually! 

Back on track people!  What I want to discuss is this...

"But, here's my question for the panel... Is it EVER okay to judge? Not in a "you're going to hell, ha ha" kinda way but in a "I don't want you to be a part of my life because you don't make healthy choices" kinda way ???? Ah, I don't know... Tough call." 

 I totally get what you are sayin' here.  I don't consider this to be judgment. This you making a choice to surround yourself with people that have similar standards as you.  I know someone that is pretty "perfect"...by their standards anyway.  Said person can't lower their standards to associate with people with a "past"...When I say past I need you to hear it as if were Dolly saying it in Steel Magnolias. Anyway, this is what I have a problem with.  Because I am weak I try to surround myself with the strong to help me keep on track.  People’s bad behavior can still influence us in a negative way...just as if we were young and rebellious teens again.  You shouldn't wave a cigarette in front of a new non-smoker...so also if we have an issue with something we should steer clear of those things and that includes people that do those things.  This isn't you passing judgment.  It is you being smart.

Let's face it...there are people in this world that we just don't like.  Candy, my wise mother, would say "Bless their heart" and move on.  We are not commanded to get along with everyone or agree with everyone...thank goodness.  I think the key is having an understanding heart and not being hypocritical.  I believe that is where the difference lies. 

Was this at all coherent??  What do you think???  When you comment click "email follow up comments” if you want to see what others say...

Owning it...

Do ever feel like you just need to say something...


This may not make sense. In fact, you are probably confused already. Am I right?? I just think I need this. Work with me, k.


I know that our sins are forgiven once we have repented. When we change our lives and start living with a purpose, things get better. Our lives are blessed and we get to grow in a way that the bindings of sins prevent.


I say this to say that...I don't like fake. I don't like pretend. I like real. I like honest. There was a time in my life that I wasn't honest, that I made mistakes. Little ones and big ones.


I learned from this time in my life and with the help, love, and patience of my wonderful family and friends...I started making better choices. These better choices made me happier. They helped me have a better relationship with my family and My Heavenly Father. All of this brought me to finding the love of my life.


Will has enriched my life in ways that I could have never dreamed of!


I guess my point is that I didn't arrive here without struggle. I haven't forgotten where I came from and I don't intend to. I need those experiences to keep me grounded and to remind me that we are flawed...all of us and that because of this that we don't hold the power to judge others.


I think that sometimes we want to save face. We want to forget the mistakes that we have made or pretend that we never made them. I think that this is because we fear judgment. I know that I feel this way sometimes. I think that is it better to just own it...I would rather not pretend that I am perfect. I like being the vase that was broken and carefully put back together.


I guess what I am trying to say is that you shouldn't have to worry about your past. No one is perfect. As long as you have learned from your mistakes...there is no need to hang your head about them. This is mostly for me. Maybe it will help someone else who knows??

Peeing on a Stick...

You can stop right there if you want. I won't blame you. Really. Oh? You are brave. Going to stick around to see how this turns out, eh??

Will and I want a baby. This is not a secret but also not something we talk about to much. Well..."We" like "He and I" talk about it all the time. Just not too much with other people. Anyway, I am impatient and that is no way to be when baby making is involved. When we first started "trying" (I say like "this" because if you are doing the deed then, technically, you are trying) I got a bit crazy. You see, even though I knew that it wasn't going to be easy for us to get pregnant, I secretly hoped that a few months would do it. I have some conditions that I fear will make this a long hard road. This will be our trial. Our life together thus far has been so easy. We have the ideal story...

Boy meets Girl.

Boy and Girl date, then Boy proposes and Girl says YES!

Boy and Girl get married!

Boy and Girl get along very well and are able to peacefully

(for the most part) merge their 2 lives together.

Now Boy and Girl want some little boys and girls....

Insert Road Block Here.

Ok. I know what some of you are thinking. "Is she being serious? It took us years to have kids." or "Wow. They haven't even been married that long." maybe even "Get a life, sweetheart."

I won't be addressing any of those thoughts. One of the reasons that write this blog is to put my feelings out there. To share what I am feeling right now. Right now I am a bit frustrated. I am starting to feel kinda pathetically loserish too. You know why??

Who pees on a stick if they are 5 minutes late? Me

Who will again pee on a stick the very next day? oh that would still be Me

Who can pretty much convince themselves that they have ALL the early signs of pregnancy? Me, myself and I

Who stays up till all hours of the night googling, "I am 6 days late and HPT is negative. Could I still be pregnant?"? (head hung down in shame) Me...wow that one was hard to admit.

See. Now you are thinking that I am pretty lame too. I know that good things come to those who wait. I know that the Lord has a plan for each of us. I know that I need to learn to have more faith and patience. I know, oh I know. I am working on it. Will keeps me grounded. It is a full time job for him. Poor guy. Anyway, I'm not depressed or anything. I just kinda, sorta thought I was and I am not. I do wanna say that I love our life together. I love that it is just us and that we get to do so many things together. I love that there are no bed times, no schedules, and a life full of spontaneity. We just know that we are ready to share our love with a little one... Ok. Thanks for listening.

Love, Hugs & Kisses,

Kimberly

He's Leaving...

Not on a jet plane.

I am not supposed to disclose to much info here on the world wide web. I can talk about it as long as I'm vague and follow the rules...yeah, there are rules and I think that they are stupid. Apparently it has something to do with National Security....Whatev. Anyway, it is that time again. Yet another deployment is upon us. It is just for a few weeks so I know I shouldn't whine. It could be worse and is worse for other wives. I try to keep that in mind when I am being a big baby. Alas, it does not make me any less of a baby. He isn't even gone yet and cried most of the night...which just make him feel bad for something that he can't control. I don't know what my deal is. I thought I was over this. Or at least better. I guess you never get over being separated from the ones you love. UGH.

Well, I have to speak at church on Sunday...any guesses on the topic? Courage.

Yeah. Like- "What do they got that I ain't got?" "Courage." Is someone trying to send me a message??? Courage has come up some many times in the last few weeks. Last Sunday someone share their Testimony in church and they spoke about it. I am in an email convo with some twitter/blog friends and few of them are showing some true courage by searching and trying to have a relationship with God. It is the new theme for the Young Women this year...It is everywhere. Ok. I can take a hint...I need to be more courageous.

Prove me wrong

Hey,
This is Will, breaking out of my shell, writing a blog for the first time! Hope I spell everything wright.... nm. Let me start by saying that I am in no way as good of a man as Kimmie makes me out to be. I do my best to be everything she needs but what can I say, I'm still a guy!

Examples:

• I love tech stuff, all tech stuff. If it has wires and moving parts, I want it!
• I don't give a darn about color schemes! Maybe I'm color blind, dunno, don't care.
• I would be content with the same pair of shoes for the rest of my life, Kim is teaching me about matching clothes! Thanks Kimmie!
• I don't like shopping....wait, I REALLY don't like shopping! No offense to department and clothing stores around the world, but its boring!
• Theres more I'm sure, but I'm a guy so I cant focus too long.

However, I have learned a few things to make a relationship easier on the lady in your life. Some men cant get around their pride to even attempt any of these things, I've found that pride is nothing with out the love of my wife.

• Start with a simple one, put the toilet seat down. Not just after you're done, always!
• Chivalry is not dead, just misunderstood or misused. Open the door, any door, pick a door during the day and open it for her! Help her put on her coat before you go out, yeah I'm sure she can put it on her self, but wheres the fun in that. Just pay attention to her needs. Oh, and don't just do it when you did something wrong, do nice things all the time. Women aren't typically like men, they wont take for granted the nice things you do.... which leads me to my next point...
• Take notice and appreciate all the little things she does for you. Trust me, theres allot! Step back from your life and look at it from her perspective, you'll see allot of selfless things done by her for you. A smile, a kind word, a nice deed in return, its so simple guys!
• Be patient with her! Guys are notorious for being impatient. If something frustrates you, take a deep breath and relax. I know you can do it.
• If you love her, if you TRULY love her, say so! Say it often! Its a simple word with tons of meaning. Say it with meaning. Go a step further and take her hand, look into her eyes and say it like you did the first time. Yeah, i know its cheesy, just do it.

That's about it for now. Some guys out there may not understand this stuff, some may be able to teach me some new things. I'll never admit that I'm the perfect guy, I just wanted to share some of my knowledge. Basically guys, just think of her, in everything you do.
Prove me wrong guys, try some of these things or come up with some on your own and see if she doesn't appreciate it and feel more loved. Trust me, we can all improve and that's what life is all about!
Ladies, if you have any comments or lessons learned about the guys in your life, things they do that really tick you off or makes you happy, let me know. I'm still learning, and Kim deserves the best.
Will Worthen

Thoughts…(it’s a long one, sorry)

I have been thinking. No. My head doesn't hurt...
I am so fortunate. Sometimes I get a little down and whinny. When I get that way I try to cheer myself up. Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes I have a right to complain a little. But, so what if my life isn't perfect. I need to remember to count my blessings. I have a beautiful life that is blessed by beautiful people. I have the most amazing family. We are far from perfect and we certainly do not pretend to be. We do, however, LOVE each other unconditionally. My Mom and Dad have always worked so very hard to provide for us (and still do). They are such a great example to us. They have spent their lives caring for us, taking us to church, taking us to school, teaching us to do the right thing (doing the right thing themselves), being there to fix it when we didn't do the right thing, forgiving us for still not doing the right thing, and loving us in spite of our mistakes. With most of that I mean me! They are not only there for us but for whoever may be in need. I am who I am today because of their constant love, support, and example. I am sure my other siblings would agree. My parents are truly beautiful people.

Not only do I have great parents…I have awesome siblings too!! In our grown up years we have really become great friends. I won't lie to you and make you think that we were these picture perfect bunch of kids that never fought and always got along. That would indeed be totally false. We definitely had our moments…and still do. We may not have always liked each other…but we have always LOVED each other. Now that I live away I miss them more that I miss anything else (no offense to all the other people back home…I miss y'all too!). It is nice to know that I have people that love me and will be here for me always. People that I share such a strong bond with. I love, love, love you guys!! My siblings are really beautiful people. Thanks to one of my sisters, I also have a great nephew! Hunter has blessed all of our lives more than he will ever know!
I know what you are thinking…."man she is lucky"! Well, you are right. I'm not even done. Not only do I have a wonderfully crazy family. I have an amazing husband. I am a very imperfect person….there I said it! I have faults…some big ones. HE LOVES ME ANYWAY!! Not only does he love me (this part is VERY important) but he GETS me! I don't know how else to explain it. He understands me and that is an amazing thing. He makes me laugh, lets me be silly in public, holds me when I cry for no reason, tells me I'm pretty even when I first wake up(we all know I'm not a morning person at all), and last but certainly not least he is totally sexy!! Will, You are a beautiful person.

It doesn't even end there! My entire life I have been surrounded by great friends and extended family that have loved and supported me. I am not writing this to boast or brag. I have my share of tuff times. This post was mostly for me. Its purpose is to remind me of all the good in my life. So that I don't waste time sulking and being negative. It is also a THANK YOU to all of you (you know who you are) that have been a blessing to me, to everyone that has been a positive in my life. Many of you have had some really hard times in your lives. It is also your strength that has influenced me. When life was hard on you, you didn't quit. Thank You. If you find yourself feeling down or overwhelmed, I encourage you to sit down and count your blessing. Think about the good in your life. Think about the good people in your life.
Love Ya!!